


Gone

by ShineYunhyeong21



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Feels, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Letters, M/M, OCs only mentioned in description, Past Relationship(s), Relationship break, Song Inspired, junbob, just wanted to update the tags since there was so little, sad shit, somewhat famous status
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 10:48:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16973166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShineYunhyeong21/pseuds/ShineYunhyeong21
Summary: You know the saying, 'You don't know what you got until it's gone?'Well, he'll never know since we're both long gone, and one of us isn't returning.





	Gone

**Author's Note:**

> I literally flipped BTOB's Lee Changsub's new single 'Gone' and instead of it being happy to find love despite being miserable (a basic summary), it's the complete opposite. It's a really good song, so y'all so go listen to it. ;) 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy, and I'll have another one shot coming out in a few days. I'll also be updating stuff, sorry, I've been to busy to really think for my other stuff.

This love that I have given my all for seems to finally be coming to an end. This love that I would give my life for is slowly fading away. The life I once only dreamed of has given me nothing but nightmares.

What am I supposed to do when the person I love doesn’t love me the same? What am I supposed to do when I’m only there to comfort him in times when I need him the most? What am I supposed to do with this weird love?

He was supposed to be the color that made my life brighter, but in the end, the colors faded as fast as they came, and I’m now only stuck in shades of black and grey. I want to be loved again. I want to be seen once more.

Curling into myself, I stared out the window that overlooked the city we had once ran wild in – the city where we promised to always be there for one another. This city held a bright future for him and stagnant weather for me. This city isn’t really all that great now that I look at it, or maybe it’s just that my eyes are too sad to pick up on the colors. The colors that I loved so much, I would sit in front of this very window watching as they ran past without a care. They never did care – he never did.

The lock clicking had made my eyes drift from the window towards the door where the person I wanted entered. That sad, tired, look had become permanent after months of grieving and I tried so hard to understand, but I couldn’t. At the end of it all, I couldn’t understand something I tried so hard to understand, and it frustrates me. Sadly, it’ll frustrate me no more. It wouldn’t plague my mind and leave me sleepless anymore.

“You’re up, huh?” He shuffled his way towards me, but I stood before he could sit and use me as comfort. “What’s wrong?”

“I think this is enough.” The confused look had me clenching my fist and biting my bottom lip.

“What’s enough, Donghyuk?” Dropping his coat, it fell ungracefully to the ground and I couldn’t help but see myself in it.

To him, I’m nothing more than something to wear or hold onto to, only wearing me on chilly days or when he feels that it’s fashionable. He tosses me aside when either of those options are available, and when he does, I fall to the ground ungracefully. I fall, and I pick myself right back up, only to be tossed aside once more.

“Us – this situation we’re now in.” Finding it in myself to breathe, again, I met his eyes that held nothing – where they always this empty when he looked at me? “I can’t do this anymore, Hyung. I’ve tried and tried to understand you – this – but I can’t do it anymore.”

“…okay.” Why does one-word crash everything down?

I’m not going to lie and play dumb, I thought he’d ask me to elaborate, or say that we should talk this over, instead he says ‘okay’. He said it as if there was no other choice and it made the anger in my chest flame up until it was spilling from my lips. My lips that had once said words that I thought he’d appreciate to here; my lips that had once only gave him nothing but encouragement; my lips that he’d hold against his own for however long he wanted to.

Have I only been doing this love one-sidedly?

“Okay? Is that all that you have to say? Okay!” Taking a few steps to the right, I put more distance between us as my emotions weren’t really in check at the moment. “After everything I’ve done for you, and all you have to say is okay?”

“What else am I supposed to say? You don’t want to be with me anymore, right? So, what’s the point of holding on?” My vision blurred, but I didn’t have it in me to clear it – I want him to see how bad I’m hurting.

“Do you really think you have any right to say that? The person who’s holding onto something he shouldn’t be.” The two limbs that are holding me up, suddenly felt like jelly and I wanted to fall but I didn’t. “The person who has put me in one too many uncomfortable and ridiculous situations that I can’t even count it on both hands. The person who has continued to break my heart while holding onto another’s – one that isn’t even beating anymore.”

“Let’s stop, okay?” Why is that the only phrase he knows how to say to me?

He would never say it to the other, even when he knew I was there.

“Fine, let’s stop. Let me give my love to someone who is actually deserving while you waste the rest of your life over someone who would never love you like I have.” My throat tightened as I held back sobs; my tears were already free-falling at their own pace.

“Is this about that, again? I told you that I’m sorry over and over again, can you let it go?” Shaking my head, I sucked up my snot as he wouldn’t understand.

How can someone who you want you to understand them, not understand you? It’s a fucked up way of thinking.

“No, I can’t.” A thick lump had formed in my throat making my voice crack. “Do you not see your face? You walk around looking as if you’ve died not only once, but twice. I’ve tried everything to make you into the Bobby I knew when we started this journey together, in the end, you only knew how to continue brushing me aside. You only come to me when you want me to comfort you or be the boyfriend that you know the other can’t be, and it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. Am I not good enough?”

He remained silent allowing me to continue to cry. Why isn’t he willing to comfort me? Why?

“I understand that we took a break at that time because you were going to be busy with the tour and everything – I understood that. So, when you were seen with him, I brushed it under the rug as it would do nothing to change us. But it seems that I was wrong. You kept seeing him even when we got back together; you kept bringing him around me as if I couldn’t see what was going on; you kept playing house with someone who isn’t me.” The memories hurt as they wrapped themselves around my brain squeezing tightly.

Why does the truth hurt so much?

“I’m sorry about what happened to him, I really am, but it isn’t going to change the fact that he’s dead. Junhoe is dead! You didn’t kill him, so why do you kept blaming yourself?!” Gasping, my hands shook already knowing that it’s too late to take back what I said.

“What would you know, huh? What would you know?! If it wasn’t for me bailing on him to hang with you then he – he wouldn’t have -,” Cutting him off, I took a deep breath already knowing what direction this is heading in.

“I know more than you ever would, and that’s why you’re stuck in the past. You don’t even know that he didn’t even want anything serious with you. You don’t know that if you would have met up with him, then he would have broken it off with you. Even though my heart was in constant pain, I saw how happy you were with him, so I held you back that day. I held onto you, but who knew he would have tried to come over anyway. Who knew that he would have gotten in that accident?” The secret that I’ve been forcing myself to keep is now out there. “He met with me a few days before apologizing for ruining my happy love life. He told me his plan of action and was ready to go through with it. He was so ready to give me happiness that he didn’t care about what I had to say.”

Sitting down on the couch, his hands shook at the information he didn’t want to understand. It’s fine, because the moment I’m gone he’ll understand it perfectly. Leaving him by himself, I shouldered a jacket and slipped on my shoes before picking up the bags I packed earlier. Standing off to the side, I wiped my own tears and snot knowing that no one else would do it for me, and chancing a glance at him, he was crying as well. But those tears weren’t for me, or the situation, it was for the one couldn’t seem to leave his heart. The heart that I thought I held.

“D-Do you not see me? Do you even care about me? Do you still love me?” He didn’t respond, instead crying harder.

Not having anything else to say, I went towards the door on opening it the lock had un-clicked itself. It was a sound I was so used to hearing, but why did it sound louder now? Why did it seem foreign to me?

Once the door closed, my feet carried me onto the elevator where I gave other residents my back, ignoring the whispers at my red eyes and bags. They would never know this pain – no one ever will. Stepping off on the first floor, I started a tiring journey towards the only place I knew would offer me some type of comfort. It isn’t the comforted that I wanted but I can’t really be picky, can I?

As I walked the night breeze tickled my face making me smile a sad smile as I wished to laugh away this pain. The city lights that I saw from up in that window meant basically nothing down here. They lined the streets and glowed on the cars in front of them, but it didn’t shine as brightly as I thought it would. It’s just like my life. Up there when I ignored everything in the sake for his happiness, I only focused on the bright light at the end of the tunnel, but now that I had nothing to look towards, I’ve come down to the reality of everything. Why is there a downside to everything? Why can’t it all just be bright and happy?

Why am I even trying to see the differences? They mean nothing to me anyway.

Heading onto my favorite side street, I pushed away the many memories in order to head to the bar the end of it. It’s a dead end, and the person who knew what’s best for me, decided to build it right near the end. Right against an earth made wall that was barely tall enough to reach the roof of the building. It was a nice touch of nature in this man-made city. Pushing the door open, the small bell rung causing his head to lift with a smile only for it to small once he took me in. The heartbroken me that he warned me about in the beginning.

“Sit, I’ll bring you a drink.” Sniffling, I nodded taking my normal seat at the end against the wall. “Another fight?”

“Nope,” Taking off my bags, I sat them in the chair next to mine without even looking at them – it makes my stomach hurt.

“Then?” As he sat my glass down more tears spilled as if they hadn’t already gotten their point across.

“I walked away. I ended it and my heart.” Throwing the glass back, the ice hit my throat before falling back into my cup clanking loudly against it’s cage. “Do I look happy now?”

“No, but you will be and that’s all that matters.” I hope he knows what’s he’s talking about.

Two months had passed since then and here we are meeting again. The only difference is that I’m breathing, and he isn’t. He loved the other more than he’d every love me, so he went to go join him, unintentionally. If he hadn’t been moping around in broad daylight while crossing the street, then he would have heard the car, he would have heard his fans screaming at him to not go. He would have still been here.

“Idiot.” Sitting the flowers down on his grave, I looked at the rest that had decorated it not really knowing what to do or say.

Leaving him to rest peacefully, I caught up with his family and friends as they walked sorrowfully down to their awaiting cars where they’ll go home only to forget this day in a few years. They’ll forget to visit and keep his name alive. They’ll only remember through fans and other things that’ll crowd their daily lives until they breakdown begging for him to come back. Sadly, I won’t be able to do that as I walked away, and it’ll forever be the last thing he’ll see of me. My back as I run out of the front door trying to save myself from the pit, he had pulled me into.

“Donghyuk?” I had unconsciously stilled at the end of the steps having been caught up in my mind to the point where I didn’t see anyone else. “Come on, let’s go.”

Taking ahold of the hand, we walked the rest of the way meeting with everyone else who looked as if they’ve seen better days. Honestly, I’m sure we’ve all had. His best friend came to me with a note in hand and placing it in my own, he smiled wide at me. Swallowing in the lump in my throat, I smiled back before heading towards the car I had arrived in and situating myself in the passenger seat, I held onto the note tightly. I knew deep down what it is, but I know if I read it now, I won’t make it home in one peace.

We went straight home, and once we were indoors, I headed into my bedroom ignoring the others voice. I knew he was concerned but he doesn’t have to worry about me. I was strong enough to leave meaning I’m strong enough to take any of his last words towards me. I did love him for longer than he’d ever know. Opening the note, I did a general scan to see that he didn’t make it long or over the top, it was simply him. The him I had fallen in love with.

‘ _I’m sorry for not seeing you; I’m sorry for slacking on my care for you; I’m sorry for loving you despite the fact that it’s all over. I’m sorry you had to go through me being heartbroken over not understanding why I was in fact hurt. In the beginning it was for June, but after a while it soon became about you because I knew you were forcing yourself to be with me. You forced yourself to smile at me, and I knew it was over, that’s why I said ‘okay’ so readily. I’m really sorry for everything. I love you, DongDong._ ’

“Idiot. You really had to wait until we were both gone. You had to wait until my heart was a mess before you could even say this. I hate that I still love you so much.” This isn’t really helping either of us, is it?

The world that I felt was crashing in on me had finally finished doing damage and there’s no returning anymore. I’m long gone and so is he. 


End file.
